Loving community,
>
> I have just become more present than ever before
> of how a piece of my past has just continued to
> grab me by my core. I first want to apologize
> for my english that really sucks this morning.
> Maybe it is a result of getting in touch with
> early childhood moments in the french mountains
> where i grew up, memories that are setting me
> free right here right NOW
>
> The story goes as such, my father left my mother
> when I was about 9 years old. He took off with
> another woman. I spent 20 years of my life
> judging his actions (until the advanced course),
> I spent countless energy subconsciously fighting
> the meaning that I created and glued to his
> actions. I was 9 years old you see, and I was
> all of a sudden left with a mother a sister but
> no father. My father, my ally in the family
> disappeared out of my life one day. He was never
> around much before i think, but then eventually
> it happened, he vanished out of daily life, of
> family life. I do not remember much, but I
> hardened the day my mother took me upstairs in
> one of the bedrooms, me alone, not with my
> younger sister, just me, to inform me that they
> were separating, or that he was leaving. I don’t
> remember exactly what she said but I think I
> hardened right then, I took on the role that I
> had to make everything fine for others, that i
> should not matter because i had to make sure my
> mother and sister would be ok, that we will make
> it, that I would be tough and strong and a
> pillar…. a 9 year-old pillar with freckles and
> messy hair… I think I interpreted my mother
> taking me apart as an early invitation into the
> adult world, as a signal that I had to be
> serious from then on, that because of who I was,
> the older sister, I was invited to grow up right
> then, to take responsibility, take charge and
> not rely on others because back then it was my
> mother, myself and my sister against the whole
> world, surviving disappearance and loss.
>
> My life has felt like a roller coaster (without
> an ILP community...), i always felt that i was
> not proactively creating my life but that i was
> living in reaction, with seldom moments of
> freedom. And my energy would fluctuate so much
> and so many things felt like burdens... but i
> rarelly cried about anything, unless it had to
> do with disappearance and loss, feeling numb as
> often as possible to the core. and i never quit
> anything or anyone, other than myself... ouch,
> wow that's painful to see,
>
> Results, i have many degrees from prestigious
> universities, but no job (my act is "i'm
> not good enough" and so i can't do it and
> you will soon discover i am fake unworthy human
> being so why would i even humiliate myself and
> trust that i am worth something!?), i have felt
> alone, i have withdrawn (anyone noticed??? if
> you have not, don't worry i created being
> transparent decades ago!), i made men rule my
> life by handing my power over and created them
> as threatening creatures, potential destroyers
> of my life..., i have ripped other people from
> the opportunity of being contribution to me, i
> have wanted to die at times whenever someone i
> loved disappeared or even felt my life
> threatened when a guy would say he could not see
> me that day or whatever... basically walking
> through life with a subconscious radar finding
> who is going to leave me so that i can run
> towards them, try to fix my past and end up
> confirm my act! so past relationships were not
> that pretty and intimate.... and loving....
> forget about loving.... it was all the pretense
> of loving out of fear and anxiety...
>
> So last night and this morning circumstances
> triggered something in me, this realization in
> my whole being of what it was like when my
> father left. You see i can't remember much of my
> past, so i have regularly had a really hard time
> with landmark technology whenever we were asked
> to remember the past... i tried to remember,
> imagining things but not trusting myself... and
> today, i have finally gotten to an even deeper
> layer of it all.
>
> I realize that i love families, i love
> communities, i love sharing and intimacy (don't
> we all?), it gives me my life, and i am the
> possibilities of LOVE AND POWER.
>
> Today though, i am inventing a new possibility
> for myself and my life. I am the possibility of
> being community, being a free and confident
> woman, and being trusting that life is totally
> amazing and a teacher at every moment of the day
> or night and so worth lo/iving!
>
> This is a victory over my past because i don't
> have to make it mean anything when someone does
> not want to see me, it does not have to make me
> feel like i am unworthy of being alive, that i
> am unlovable. It means nothing about me! I am
> now free to trust that i am a great, loving,
> beautiful and generous human being who is
> surrounded by people who do love me and have
> shared that with me and now i am free to see it
> and take their love in without depending on it
> to feel alive! I AM ALIVE and CHOOSING TO TAKE
> RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE FROM
> NOW ON, NO MORE MARTYRDOM!!!!! and i can be of
> true generosity and contributions to others, by
> being loving to myself first! Today, I really
> get more than ever before the whole idea of
> "loving oneself first before being able to
> love others" principle in my core being so
> much, it goes way beyond any word i have ever
> used to try and explain this truth that i
> basically knew either intellectually or too
> sporadicaly. I am alive and loving, i then
> become a clearing for you to be the same for
> yourself and your life
>
> Wow that was a long share, thank you for your
> presence and your listening
>
> Loving Life Loving You